I’m Not Sorry I Won’t Stay…..

“I cannot be still for long. There is a riot in me all the time. A needy, restless voice in my heart endlessly urging me onward. I ache for new experiences and my hunger for adventure is boundless. My entire life is perpetual loop of longing for something else.” ~ Beau Taplin.

I’ll meet you and you’ll ask me how long I’ll stay.

With a plan in mind I’ll give you the answer. But in my restless little mind there are a million different plans being formed, a million different scenarios and situations where I will stay longer or leave quicker.

Ultimately I’ll lie to you.

I have no idea how long I’ll stick around for.

I can smile at you sweetly and win you over with my eyes.
You’ll want me to stay and I’ll pull away. I’ll create distance because ultimately I know I’ll have to say goodbye.

There’s nothing you could do to make me stay.

I could tell you we met at the wrong time, our paths crossed before they were ready. It’s not you it’s me (which is ultimately true).
I’ll ask you why don’t you come with me, Be Spontaneous with me!
You’ll ask me to wait, stick around and give you a couple of weeks notice for an adventure. ‘I can’t just go away with you tomorrow, I just can’t.

But you have a life here.
This is your home I’ve intruded in on.
This is where you work and these are your friends.
You ask me to stay, you’ll introduce me to your friends – you want to meet more people right? I’ll say yes but really I don’t.

The restlessness that thrives in me hasn’t made its home in you.
That’s Ok, part of me really envies you.

But part of me, the biggest part of me, doesn’t understand it.
You can’t even offer me a spontaneous midnight drive when I suffer from insomnia, because it’s the time we should be asleep, you say.

I’ll meet your friends and they will find me interesting.
I’m not from here after all.
But they all know, they can read I’m not the stick around type and while I try to win them over, I don’t let them close enough to know me.

You’ll call me selfish.

You’re right.
To an extent.
But you’re also wrong. But I can’t argue against your points, they are all valid.
You don’t understand why I’m always ‘Running’ – What are you running from?!
Why are you so scared of commitment?
I ask you why you are so scared of change, spontaneity and adventure?
These were all the qualities you write down on your resume and say you have but won’t prove.

When you met me you said you were fascinated with my spontaneity.
When we met you said I captivated you.

I told you my stories when you asked me to and you told me I was a unique person. You said I was incredible and you wanted to hear more.
But the more you heard, the more you told me how I intimidate you.

I just followed my passion, the same way that you follow yours.
It just lead us down different paths bringing us to different experiences.
We talk less about my stories now, I feel the need to hide them.

You ask me why I even bother dating. – You’re not hanging around, so what are you even looking for?
I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’ll ramble, stumble and try to cling to words to form an answer but I can’t give you one.
This only frustrates you more.

You tell me I’m impossible, but you don’t leave.
You’re waiting, we become friends, sometimes a little more but never sure.
We keep each other at arm’s length, safe distances to prepare ourselves for the inevitable goodbye.

I want to tell you I’m sorry I’m leaving.
I don’t want to tell you I’m leaving.
I just want to sink into the distance. Run as fast as I can without looking back in the hope you will forget me and I you to make it less painful.

I want to tell you I’m Sorry I can’t Stay. But I Wont.

So when am I leaving? Soon.
Will we say goodbye? I’m not sure.
Will our paths cross again? At this stage in life, it is unlikely but equally likely.

I may be selfish right now, but I have no choice.
The restlessness inside me is an inferno which cannot be extinguished.
It brought me here after all.

So call me selfish.

But I’m Not Sorry I Won’t Stay.








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23 thoughts on “I’m Not Sorry I Won’t Stay…..”

  1. I think there’s a quote that applies to this by Oscar Wilde “A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be red roses.” Props to you for doing what you need to do for your own self development.

  2. There’s a quote from Oscar Wilde that I think applies here “A red rose is not selfish for wanting to be a red rose, it is horribly selfish if it wants the other flowers in the garden to be red or a rose.” Props to you for listening to your inner voice and following it towards self development. I think the consequences of not doing so are worse than the hurts of not meeting the wants of those around you.

    1. thank you for the comment.
      that quote is incredible like i want to write it on a card and carry it around with me 🙂

  3. It’s nice that you were able to write your thoughts. I think sometimes you have to be selfish to find your own way, and that’s not bad at all.

  4. This is such an emotional post. It’s always not easy when people around us doesn’t fully support what makes us, US. I admire your courage. All the best in your chosen path.

    PS Jessica, that Oscar Wilde quote is spot on. 🙂

  5. Nice and deep! The way I see it, we all need to be selfish in finding our ways and our destiny. If the people I am are leaving behind are happy to support me, then I count it as another blessing.

  6. That was a great read. I’m left feeling a little…disturbed…which is a good thing as far as good writing goes. Might have to re-read a few times over the next few days to let it sink in properly. Thank you for sharing that.

  7. This is beautifully written! I worry about this sometimes as I want to travel more and be in a relationship but don’t want to hold myself back if they don’t want to travel like I do and yet I hate having my heart broken.

    1. Yep you are like me! Although, i choose travel.
      hopefully one day we will find someone who has the ‘up and go’ spirit we do and will join us on adventures

  8. Sarah @ Expat of the World

    Such a genuine post here straight from your heart, I love your writing style. My favourite line is ‘The restlessness that thrives in me hasn’t made its home in you.’ – which rings very true in me at the present moment.

    1. thank you for taking the time to read it 🙂
      It makes me happy to know other people can relate to this too!

  9. Such a beautiful post, very poetic. I too am blessed (cursed?) with a restless heart. As soon as I make myself at home somewere I start to make plans to leave. I don’t think leaving is selfish though, staying where you aren’t happy is selfish. If you need to wander, wander and if you feel the need to stay for a little while, stay. As travellers we are blessed to live life how we want to and we are slightly free of societies constraints.

    1. Thank you 🙂
      It’s so nice to hear that this rings true with other people, i was so nervous posting this but i felt like it needed to go up.

  10. I really like your thoughts and I’m agree that sometimes you have to be selfish. Do what you love as long as you like. Life is short.

  11. I am sorry but I also admire your courage. 🙂 It is an awful feeling to have put on hold of what we love to do and try to please people who are seems to close and dear to us. All the best in your chosen path.

  12. It’s an awful feeling to have to put on hold on what we love to do and to please people that seem to close and dear to us at the same time. I had that times before. Hope you are doing well and wish you all the best! 🙂

  13. Pingback: Going Home After Two Years on the Road - Little Wanderlust Stories

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